Avoid Avoidance

Facing conflict is not always the easiest task. In fact, sometimes a person would rather disregard the potential issue looming over their head instead of dealing with it up front and attempting to find a solution. This act of dodging a conflict is caused avoidance, and it could create a worse outcome than having a full-blown argument. Choosing not to discuss a current conflict you may be dealing with could lead to many negative outcomes and because of this, I want to encourage you to not pursue it as your conflict style.

When a person chooses to not actively pursue the conflict, even though it is already in existence, it creates a certain perception of that person and their goals. In order to help understand these ideas and possible outcomes, let’s use Alfred as an example. Alfred knows that Bruce is frustrated with him for a reason related to trust issues. Instead of facing Bruce about their bond of trust, he chooses to avoid the situation and act like everything is okay. One outcome of this could be that Alfred is perceived as uncaring about his and Bruce’s relationship. Bruce may believe because Alfred is avoiding the situation, he could simply care less about their relationship, which give Bruce more of a reason to lose his trust in him. Even though this may not be what Alfred’s intentions are, this is how he is coming off.

Another issue that arises with avoidance is how it may cause it to expand and build even more than the original conflict itself was worth. In this case, Alfred’s avoidance to his and Bruce’s conflict starts with Bruce being frustrated and questioning Alfred’s actions. Because the conflict is never discussed, eventually Bruce become angry with Alfred, and even though it start with some trust issues, Bruce now gets mad at Alfred’s present and that he does not deal with any situation and possibly accuses him of being a coward. Alfred’s intentions may be to avoid the conflict until it goes away, but because the conflict actually builds without discussion, it is doing the complete opposite of Alfred’s goal.

Another issue that may occur is the avoidance/criticize loop. So being that Alfred has chose to avoid the trust issues him and Bruce are experiencing and because it is starting to heat up because of the avoidance, it could enter this loop. Someone may approach Alfred and ask if he has talked to Bruce yet, to which his response is, “No. Why would I? He is a selfish jerk who only cares about his own secrets and no one else’s.” The retort to that might be something about if he’s ever tried to share his secrets or explain how hurt he is to Bruce. Alfred would then claim that its not worth it because it would obviously not go anywhere since Bruce is always busy doing his job and is gone all hours of the day. The constant excuses that Alfred gives is him feeding into the avoidance style and an excuse of why he does not need to address it.

Alfred and Bruce have been excellent examples of what would happen if Alfred chose to use the avoidance style of conflict in their relationship. Because these examples prove that avoidance is not a necessarily beneficial technique, one needs to know what a helpful way to approach conflict is. Integration, a way to combine one person’s goals with another’s goals in a conflict, would be the best way to move forward in a conflict. In this case, integration would allow for Alfred to sit down with Bruce and discuss what the real issues are and what they both want to achieve at the end of this conflict. This would allow for both voices to be heard as well as a new outcome to fix the issues and restore the friendship back to normal.

Obviously, this may be hard for Alfred or others like Alfred who normally choose to avoid conflict. Confrontation is not easy in any way, however, using a style like integration allows for every person in the conflict to have a voice and have their goals seem as important as the other person’s goals. It also might be difficult to not be standoffish is one of the persons have fallen into the avoidance/conflict loop, but with the ability to share each other’s thoughts and feelings, it allows for a potentially better outcome.

Avoidance can have some negative outcomes, which could lead in the ultimate failure of a friendship or relationship. Because of this, the substitution of integration in avoidance’s place will allow for everyone’s to feel important and for a better-compiled and more fair outcome to occur.

Hocker, J., & Wilmot, W. (2011). Conflict Style. In Interpersonal Conflict(9th ed., pp. 151-166). New York, New York: The McGraw Hill Companies.

The Mean in Mean Girls

In 2004, one of the most quotable and trend setting movies was released for the world to see: Mean Girls. The title describes the plot line pretty well, but to dive in deeper, Cady is a new student at school. Because of her attractiveness, the most popular, and the cruelest, group in school, the Plastics, decide to add her to their clique. Quickly Cady learns how deceiving the members of the group are, especially Regina who is the most popular girl in school. Cady quickly decides to sabotage the group, and runs into many bumps along the way.

                  Watching the movie with a conflict perspective, conflict triangles are a normal occurrence throughout the movie. We can identify them happening between many characters, especially between Cady, Regina, and a third “Plastics” member, Gretchen. We also can identify who controls the power in many of these relationships and how it may switch throughout the plot line. These conflict factors are a key part to how all arguments and ideas expand through the film. Ultimately, it also becomes a great example of what not to do in a conflict.

                  The first time we encounter the conflict triangle between the triad is after the exchange of a secret and a follow up phone call digging for dirt. In the movie, Cady confides to Gretchen that she thinks a boy in her math class is cute and she may have a crush on him. After Gretchen learns that the boy is Aaron, Regina’s ex-boyfriend, she promises to keep a secret and not tell Regina. Later on, however, we learn that Gretchen has spilled the news to Regina after a late night conversation with Cady. The video link is below, please watch in its entirety.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eLjMbaMazbs

                  First, the viewer can identify it as a triangle due to the initial interaction between two people, Gretchen and Cady, which may affect a third, Regina. The triangle plays out with Gretchen informing Regina about Cadi’s secret, where Gretchen holds power. It then switches to Regina confronting Cady and attempting to get her to accuse Gretchen of being a bad friend, a situation where Regina now holds power.

                  Another point in which we see the triangle dynamic play out is later in the movie when Gretchen starts to distrust Regina. At the annual talent show, Regina moves Gretchen’s place as her right hand woman in the dance and criticizes her afterwards for using a word she did not approve of, which really causes Gretchen to “crack”. Please begin the video below at 55 seconds and watch until 1:35.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ovOboVwB7g

                  After Regina’s harsh actions towards Gretchen, she begins to break down and turn her back on Regina. In the clip, you see that she criticizes Regina for how she bosses people around. She then divulges some serious information to Cady about how Regina cheats on Aaron weekly in the same place at the same time. The triangle has now rotated again with Gretchen in power as she turns to Cady with secrets and with Regina now becoming the weak end.

                  This is only one example of a triangle threesome that appears in Mean Girls, however, it serve as an excellent example for how they work. It could even be considered that this group is embraced in a toxic triangle for how much they are attempting to destroy one another’s reputations by exposing their important and personal secrets. Because of the constant confidence in each other, with one being talked about or excluded, this is a prime example of a conflict triangle that could seemingly be toxic.

                  Power is not only a struggle in the triangles, though. As Queen Bee Regina is the most popular girl in school, throughout much of the movie we see her take control in many of the conflicts. However, as the movie plays out and Cady and her side group successfully begin to destroy Regina (figuratively), we see how the power shifts. Cady begins telling her friends what she can and cannot do. She finds herself taking charge of situations with her never-ending crush, Aaron. Eventually we even see her yell at her true best friends in the movie. This power is somewhat designated by the school’s population of females due to Cady’s quick climb up the social ladder with the Plastics. This also means that it is the interpersonal linkages that Cady creates which cause her to gain power as Regina progressively loses it. Please watch the video below as an example of Cady’s power gain.

                 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DyDGrz1DufU

                  Overall, Mean Girls portrays excellent examples for many conflict theories. The triangle that plays out between Gretchen, Cady, and Regina shows how two people can control a conflict whether a third is involved or is just a shadow in the scheme of it all. It also show how triangles could be toxic for relationships. This is important to society because it teaches people, especially teenage girls how not to handle conflict whether it be in triangles or with maintaining power. With power, we see that it has the ability to really hinder interpersonal relationships when they experience conflict, which could effectively destroy the future of it. Overall, this new age comedy is a great example of what to avoid when dealing with conflict in friendships.

Mean Girls - Clone Of Regina - Cady Fandub [Motion picture]. (2011). Youtube.

Mean Girls (4/10) Movie CLIP - Such a Good Friend (2004) HD [Motion picture]. (2011). Youtube.

‪Three Way Calling Attack-Mean Girls ‪[Motion picture]. (2011). Youtube.

An Unfortunate Conflict

Throughout my life, I have experienced many conflicts with people I have considered my best friends. Sometimes those conflicts ended, unfortunately, in the loss of friends, and sometimes they resulted in an even stronger friendship. Throughout the past year, one of my best friend relationships has been pushed to the limits and I was not sure if it would result in the deterioration or strengthening of our bond.

Towards the end of last year, my two best friends and I decided to move in to a house together after they graduated. I Augsut when we moved in, my two best friends, Allison and Liz, were in a much different phases in their lives than I was. Allison, after returning from studying abroad in Rome and graduating from college was struggling to find a job that she liked and to make the money she wanted to make. Liz, after graduating, decided to keep her part time job at UPMC, pursue her Masters in Social Work at the University of Pittsburgh, and start and internship with UPMC Mercy. I was the only one still in undergrad and still very involved on campus.  

As expected, a conflict did eventually arise, however, it was not with the roommate I thought it would occur with. Throughout the story and analysis of the conflict, a difference in identifying goals, our conflict styles, and an end result in negotiation were all present in how my roommate and I faced this conflict. 

In the early stages of moving in together, I initially was nervous about living with Liz because of how we often react in conflict. Depending on our stress levels or sleep habits we can tend to easily frustrate each other which normally leads to avoidance or arguments that are offensive and loud. So when Allison and I got in an argument after only two weeks in the house, I was very surprised. Allison had just started a paleo diet, when someone only eats vegetables and meat three times a day. After hearing so much negative feedback about this diet I had confronted her explaining how I don’t think it’s necessary and how it’s only hurting her. After telling her about article I read on it, she became really defensive. Her words summed up me being wrong and how we had a difference of opinions. After that night, we never really came back to that conversation. 

Over the next few months, I found that Allison and I had progressively become less civil with each other. On good days, I would stop in at her job and say a quick hi with no follow up conversation. On bad days, we would barely speak or see each other. Not seeing each other often was a common occurrence being that she left before I woke up and I came home after she fell asleep, which was never intentional, it is just how my schedule is with being so involved. We both could feel a barricade wedging its way in between our relationship, however, I perceived it as short term and, I later found out, she perceived it as ruining our friendship.

Outside of our conjoined home life, we were both dealing with personal issues. Allison, still unhappy professionally, was beginning to fear the imminent arrival of student loan bills. She seemed to not be happy with the way she looked and was often exhausted or bored. I was constantly facing long meetings and night classes, which pushed me to stay at Carlow later and later. I often had assignments due which I would complete on campus so I had the ability to focus. Also, being that I live so far away from home, I often stress over my family and worry about not visiting home enough. These factors all played a role in Allison’s and my actions towards each other in the unspoken conflict we were experiencing.

In October, I was approached with an amazing professional opportunity for after I graduate in May. The job was not something I necessarily wanted to do, but I was very flattered. Even though I was excited and considering this job, I was too nervous about telling Allison. I had unconsciously decided to ignore that fact that we were experiencing a conflict, but I knew that she was struggling with her employment and I did not want her to feel like I was rubbing my pre-grad offer in her face. So, I decided to keep it a secret and question it’s value later. Unfortunately, this decision blew up in my face when the employer decided they needed a temporary hire until they could officially post the job in May. The temporary hire was, in fact, Allison, which meant I needed to decide on my next steps and how to share the news on this job a lot sooner than I was hoping.

The first opportunity I got, I sat Allison down. I opened up with a question of if she was mad at me, things had been tense and I was not sure why. After her assurance that she was not, I explained to her the situation. She said she did not care and that there was plenty of time when other things could happen. I was very happy with this outcome, but it did not stay that way. After a few days, I learned from a friend that Allison was upset about my consideration of this opportunity. Instead of discussing this with her, I chose to avoid her completely. I told myself, since she doesn’t see me as worthy to tell me she is upset, I have no reason to approach her about it. This issue blew up even more and for the next five days we lived in silence.

Finally, the following weekend, we spoke. Allison had walked into my bedroom crying explaining that she felt like we have not been friends ever since her return from Rome. She said that I was not a roommate because I was never around, which meant I never did dishes or took out the trash. She also explained that a friend would never apply for a job she was excited to receive.  I explained that she needs to understand because I am still in undergrad; I am not able to be around as much as she is. I still have many obligations, just as she once did, and I have to be present. I told her that I still see her as my best friend, and just because we don’t see each other as much should not affect that. As far as the job goes, I told her if it meant that much I would not apply. I was only considering it because it was an assurance for me and that I will step back if she wants to. This tear filled conversation allowed us to get what we needed to off our chest, and really helped us move on.

After a day or two, I reflected back on our entire conflict and the conversation we had. I walked through a short conflict analysis guide: Our triggering events were my time at school and not being around enough, as well as our own personal conflicts that we were battling which were feeding into our emotions. Both of us did not express the conflict well, it was entirely in avoidance and ignorance. My perceived goal of Allison is that she wanted things that she thought she needed to be happy and she perceived me of not wanting to help with chores or be home. Our conflict most likely spun out of control because we both had a why should I care attitude. She wanted what she wanted and I wanted what I did, which means we did not bother to take the other person’s thoughts or goals into consideration at all. Our ending negotiation allowed for us to clarify our goals. Allison wanted me to be her friend again, which mean being present. Even though I am very busy I offered her nights that can be just ours and promised to invite her to more events. I also said I would not apply for the job if she truly wants it in May. As far as power, I believe  her and I both had some type of power. My power was that of visibility and availability and hers was the house – I usually did not want to be there if she was there after our conflict blew up. Unfortunately we both used avoidance for so long. When we did finally open up, we did some compromising and some negotiating.

I think this conflict has a lot of value, specifically for the future of Allison’s and my relationship, but also for any best friend pairs anywhere. We had become so seemingly self involved that we did not want to deal with each other. If I would have just approached her as a friend and calmly asked what is wrong or if she would have come to me explaining her sadness for me not being around, we could have worked this out much sooner. Communication was such a key player in the conflict that Allison and I actually lost three good months of living together because we were trying to avoid having issues. Any time friends perceive something as a conflict, whether budding or existent, they should talk about each other’s thoughts and goals. If they do not, it could result in the unfortunate loss of a great friendship.

Organization Drama

One organization I am involved with has many leaders who are looked upon greatly and interact with its members on a regular basis. Recently we hired several new members, most of which who are freshmen that several others and I have interacted with outside of the organization due to our roles as First Year Mentors and Resident Assistants. Because of these roles, we have to be aware that people are looking at us constantly for leadership and role modeling.

            Over the last few weeks we have had multiple trainings and social bonding time in order to build our team and get to know each other casually. So our final bonding event was a trip to Kennywood’s Fright Night, something I could not attend because I had prior obligations. This was originally intended to be a fun night for everyone to celebrate that training was over, what had happened instead was everything but fun.

            Sometime in the evening, one of my close friends who also is a leader on the team, texted me expressing concern for something that was happening. She said that other leaders were making rude comments about myself in front of multiple members, including new ones, in the organization. I tried to laugh it off and told her I appreciated that she let me know, but she should ignore them and enjoy her time. She stopped responding, so I thought that meant things were better.

            After a few hours, the same friend texted me again saying a big blow up occurred because the leader that was making comments about me, threatened my friend by saying she would “ruin her life” for telling me what had been happening. Of course it included a lot of drama that I did not want to deal with and that I did not want her to have to deal with, so I told her everything would be sorted out and she does not need to worry about people who are rude.

            The next morning I had multiple messages from my friend, but also from one of my closest friends who is a member of the team, not in a leadership role. She had expressed her frustration of what was happening that night, but not because of the drama. Being that she is an FYM, one of her students came up to her and explained how she had heard about all the issues that had arose. The student said the leader who was making the offensive remarks and arguing with other leaders was talking about my leader friend as well as myself in front of her and other new members. She claimed that this had been a big let down for her because she was looking forward to joining an organization where she could build some relationship, but now she sees that everyone really hates each other and its not worth being a part of.

            Eventually this was brought back into the office and told to the advisor who attempted to address the situation. Whenever it was brought up to the leader making the disrespectful comments, she claimed that everything had been worked out and there was nothing to worry about. You may have guessed, this issue is still unresolved.

            The reason I believe this conflict is so important is because of how it has affected the entire organization and our work. In my opinion, outside of the situation because I was not present, I believe the remarks were first brought up to instill a sense of power. By her trying to belittle me in that situation, she made herself look better which is an immediate power entitlement in her eyes.

            Afterwards, this had a major affect on the organization in multiple ways. The first is it brought this idea of leaders and members being disrespectful to each other seem like a norm. When people immediately saw this, there were multiple remarks and questions of whether or not they still wanted to be in the organization. It also set a standard for three leaders: the one making the remarks set this idea that she talks about everyone that she works with, the leader/friend who messaged me set this standard that she does not get along with other leadership in the organization, and the standard set for myself is whatever comments were made about my character. Because of this, all three of us now have to work against these judgements of our character.

            You may also see a lot of saving of face in this situation. For instance, the leader who made the remarks obviously lied to the advisor stating that she everything was solved already and she was okay with everyone else. I have been going into the office and making an effort to connect with everyone so they get to know who I am as a person. I have also been doing it during my FYM time too, so a false impressions of me do not spread throughout the first year class. I also feel like some of us have been tasked with saving face for the organization so people will not want to quit and so there is not a stigma of disrespect and rumor spreading for the group.

            In the future, leaders have to know that what they say has a major effect on everything around them. Teams, colleagues, and what they represent will be decided upon with what they say and what their attitude is. This situation has dug us into a hole for the year which we will be continuously trying to dig ourselves out of.