An Unfortunate Conflict

Throughout my life, I have experienced many conflicts with people I have considered my best friends. Sometimes those conflicts ended, unfortunately, in the loss of friends, and sometimes they resulted in an even stronger friendship. Throughout the past year, one of my best friend relationships has been pushed to the limits and I was not sure if it would result in the deterioration or strengthening of our bond.

Towards the end of last year, my two best friends and I decided to move in to a house together after they graduated. I Augsut when we moved in, my two best friends, Allison and Liz, were in a much different phases in their lives than I was. Allison, after returning from studying abroad in Rome and graduating from college was struggling to find a job that she liked and to make the money she wanted to make. Liz, after graduating, decided to keep her part time job at UPMC, pursue her Masters in Social Work at the University of Pittsburgh, and start and internship with UPMC Mercy. I was the only one still in undergrad and still very involved on campus.  

As expected, a conflict did eventually arise, however, it was not with the roommate I thought it would occur with. Throughout the story and analysis of the conflict, a difference in identifying goals, our conflict styles, and an end result in negotiation were all present in how my roommate and I faced this conflict. 

In the early stages of moving in together, I initially was nervous about living with Liz because of how we often react in conflict. Depending on our stress levels or sleep habits we can tend to easily frustrate each other which normally leads to avoidance or arguments that are offensive and loud. So when Allison and I got in an argument after only two weeks in the house, I was very surprised. Allison had just started a paleo diet, when someone only eats vegetables and meat three times a day. After hearing so much negative feedback about this diet I had confronted her explaining how I don’t think it’s necessary and how it’s only hurting her. After telling her about article I read on it, she became really defensive. Her words summed up me being wrong and how we had a difference of opinions. After that night, we never really came back to that conversation. 

Over the next few months, I found that Allison and I had progressively become less civil with each other. On good days, I would stop in at her job and say a quick hi with no follow up conversation. On bad days, we would barely speak or see each other. Not seeing each other often was a common occurrence being that she left before I woke up and I came home after she fell asleep, which was never intentional, it is just how my schedule is with being so involved. We both could feel a barricade wedging its way in between our relationship, however, I perceived it as short term and, I later found out, she perceived it as ruining our friendship.

Outside of our conjoined home life, we were both dealing with personal issues. Allison, still unhappy professionally, was beginning to fear the imminent arrival of student loan bills. She seemed to not be happy with the way she looked and was often exhausted or bored. I was constantly facing long meetings and night classes, which pushed me to stay at Carlow later and later. I often had assignments due which I would complete on campus so I had the ability to focus. Also, being that I live so far away from home, I often stress over my family and worry about not visiting home enough. These factors all played a role in Allison’s and my actions towards each other in the unspoken conflict we were experiencing.

In October, I was approached with an amazing professional opportunity for after I graduate in May. The job was not something I necessarily wanted to do, but I was very flattered. Even though I was excited and considering this job, I was too nervous about telling Allison. I had unconsciously decided to ignore that fact that we were experiencing a conflict, but I knew that she was struggling with her employment and I did not want her to feel like I was rubbing my pre-grad offer in her face. So, I decided to keep it a secret and question it’s value later. Unfortunately, this decision blew up in my face when the employer decided they needed a temporary hire until they could officially post the job in May. The temporary hire was, in fact, Allison, which meant I needed to decide on my next steps and how to share the news on this job a lot sooner than I was hoping.

The first opportunity I got, I sat Allison down. I opened up with a question of if she was mad at me, things had been tense and I was not sure why. After her assurance that she was not, I explained to her the situation. She said she did not care and that there was plenty of time when other things could happen. I was very happy with this outcome, but it did not stay that way. After a few days, I learned from a friend that Allison was upset about my consideration of this opportunity. Instead of discussing this with her, I chose to avoid her completely. I told myself, since she doesn’t see me as worthy to tell me she is upset, I have no reason to approach her about it. This issue blew up even more and for the next five days we lived in silence.

Finally, the following weekend, we spoke. Allison had walked into my bedroom crying explaining that she felt like we have not been friends ever since her return from Rome. She said that I was not a roommate because I was never around, which meant I never did dishes or took out the trash. She also explained that a friend would never apply for a job she was excited to receive.  I explained that she needs to understand because I am still in undergrad; I am not able to be around as much as she is. I still have many obligations, just as she once did, and I have to be present. I told her that I still see her as my best friend, and just because we don’t see each other as much should not affect that. As far as the job goes, I told her if it meant that much I would not apply. I was only considering it because it was an assurance for me and that I will step back if she wants to. This tear filled conversation allowed us to get what we needed to off our chest, and really helped us move on.

After a day or two, I reflected back on our entire conflict and the conversation we had. I walked through a short conflict analysis guide: Our triggering events were my time at school and not being around enough, as well as our own personal conflicts that we were battling which were feeding into our emotions. Both of us did not express the conflict well, it was entirely in avoidance and ignorance. My perceived goal of Allison is that she wanted things that she thought she needed to be happy and she perceived me of not wanting to help with chores or be home. Our conflict most likely spun out of control because we both had a why should I care attitude. She wanted what she wanted and I wanted what I did, which means we did not bother to take the other person’s thoughts or goals into consideration at all. Our ending negotiation allowed for us to clarify our goals. Allison wanted me to be her friend again, which mean being present. Even though I am very busy I offered her nights that can be just ours and promised to invite her to more events. I also said I would not apply for the job if she truly wants it in May. As far as power, I believe  her and I both had some type of power. My power was that of visibility and availability and hers was the house – I usually did not want to be there if she was there after our conflict blew up. Unfortunately we both used avoidance for so long. When we did finally open up, we did some compromising and some negotiating.

I think this conflict has a lot of value, specifically for the future of Allison’s and my relationship, but also for any best friend pairs anywhere. We had become so seemingly self involved that we did not want to deal with each other. If I would have just approached her as a friend and calmly asked what is wrong or if she would have come to me explaining her sadness for me not being around, we could have worked this out much sooner. Communication was such a key player in the conflict that Allison and I actually lost three good months of living together because we were trying to avoid having issues. Any time friends perceive something as a conflict, whether budding or existent, they should talk about each other’s thoughts and goals. If they do not, it could result in the unfortunate loss of a great friendship.